The Nine Commandments for Parenting During and After
Divorce*
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Put your
children’s welfare ahead of your conflict with your former
spouse. Avoid involving your children in any conflict with
your former spouse.
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Remember
that children need two parents. Help your children maintain
a positive relationship with their other parent; give them
permission to love the other parent.
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Show
respect for the other parent as a parent. Do not make
derogatory remarks about the other parent to or in front of
the children.
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Honor your
visitation schedule. Always notify the other parent if you
will be late or cannot exercise your time with the children.
Children may see missed visits, especially without
notification, as rejection.
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If you are
the noncustodial parent, do not fill every minute of your
custodial time with the children with special activities.
They need “at home” time with you.
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Do not use
the children as “message carriers” or spies to glean
information about the other parent or to send information to
the other parent. Don’t cross-examine the children when they
return from the other parent’s home. Don’t use the children
to collect child support.
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Strive for
agreement on major decisions about your child’s welfare and
discipline, so one parent is not undermining the other.
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Use common
sense in exercising your custodial and visitation rights.
Follow this old adage: Do not make a mountain out of a
molehill. Follow the golden rule: Do unto them as you would
have them do unto you.
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Do not
discuss the case with your children. This is not the
children’s divorce. They should not be reading the
pleadings or letters from opposing counsel.
* Lynne Z. Gold-Bikin and
Stephen Kolodny, The Divorce Trial Manual (2003)
